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On Age

You're not a kid anymore when:

You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your new lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half his age - and he isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of petrol.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You wear black socks with sandles.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realise it.