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Murphy's 50 Laws for Military Police



1. Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets.
2. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
3. Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers.
4. When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
5. Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
6. Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
7. If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
8. Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid.
9. The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
10. The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
11. No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed.
12. If you charge in all alone, you'll be shot by your own officers.
13. The diversion you're ignoring is the actual crime.
14. The important things are always simple.
15. The simple things are always hard.
16. The easy ways are always blocked.
17. The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
18. Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing.
19. When you've secured a crime scene, don't forget to tell the brass.
20. Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic
21. It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
22. If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident.
23. No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
24. No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
25. The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station.
26. Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately.
27. Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light.
28. Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you.
29. The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
30. You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
31. If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you'll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
32. The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
33. The dependent who screams loudly when you don't show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do.
34. The weight of the dead body you'll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you'll have to climb.
35. Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows.
36. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
37. Contary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets.
38. You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off.
39. Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up.
40. Empty guns - aren't.
41. Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away.
42. The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley.
43. Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies.
44. Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
45. Soldiers always need you, and find you - when you're eating.
46. There's no second place in a gunfight.
47. Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
48. Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
49. Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.
50. Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap.