Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
Why do men die before their wives? They want to!
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife." The other replies: "GREAT TRADE."
What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you? Make the chain shorter!
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told!
Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen???
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."
Husband: "Put your coat on love, I'm going to the bar." Wife: "Are you taking me out for a drink?" Husband: "Don't be silly woman, I'm turning the heat off..."
Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from feminists.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced!!
Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.
Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!!
Some mornings I wake up grumpy ... and some mornings I just let her sleep!
What do you call a woman who has lost her mind? A widow.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent ... Wedding Cake!!!
Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life Sentence!!
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law!!
(Glad my wife wasn't home when I put these on!!)